The REAL Byakuya
by QBleach1
Summary: Here we get to see a glimpse of Byakuya's REAL personality! Find out why Hisana really didn't mind dying! A collection of Oneshots putting Byakuya in weird situations. Pure crack, and lots of OOCness.
1. Clumsy

**Well, hello again, people! This one is pure crack, and I mean it. A collection of Byakuya/Hisana one-shots. The REAL reason Hisana died was because of her loveable(?) husband...**

**R&R! :D**

**Warning: LOTS of OOCness. In fact, pretty much nothing in here is in character...**

**Bleach (C) Tite Kubo**

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"Byakuya?" This was strange. The house was… Silent. He wasn't anywhere in sight. Where could he be?

"Hisana! I'm learning how to Shunpo and hit stuff at the same –" SLAM. CRASH. BANG. "OW." Byakuya picked himself up off the floor and glared haughtily at the unfortunate pillar.

"Are you okay?" Hisana giggled at his unsightly hair and unkempt appearance.

"Damn pole!" Byakuya shouted, and then drew out his zanpakuto and flashed away.

BANG.

SLAM.

BOOM.

CRACK.

THUD.


	2. Blue

**Well, here we go again, hope you enjoy it! R&R? :D**

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That was it. It had been decided. His favorite color was blue. And it wasn't that lame boring blue that was so standard. It was that light, silky blue color, like the color on his scarf, so blissful and beautiful it made him just want to rub it all over his body.

"Hisana!" he ran across the hall and stopped in front of her.

"What?" Hisana practically shouted, alarmed at his childishness.

"I order you to die your hair blue!" he dictated innocently, his face lit up with joy.

"WHAT?"

"Your request has been denied." Sojun shot him down immediately. Hisana looked up at him in relief while Byakuya glared at him.

_Damn._


	3. Flowers

"Scatter, Senbonzakura." Byakuya ordered nonchalantly. A pink flower appeared and thousands of pale pink petals burst forth.

"IT'S A FLOWER! OHMYGOD ITS SO PRETTY!" Byakuya screamed with glee as his zanpakuto released.

"Um… Yeah…" An imaginary sweatdrop appeared beside Hisana. This was… weird.

"Its pink!" Byakuya jumped up and down and tried to catch all of them.

Simultaneously, all of the petals started moving up and down, out of his reach when he jumped, but where he could reach them when he didn't. _But he's too stupid to realize that_ Hisana thought, wickidly glaring at Byakuya as he made a royal fool of himself.

SLAM.

Byakuya tripped and fell on his face.

Damn.


	4. Lust

**Here we go again! Enjoy *Evil laugh* (R&R!)**

**Bleach (C) to Tite Kubo**

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"Hisana?" Byakuya asked, drawing back the Shoji screen to their room. His eyes popped out of his head and his face turned red. She was naked!

"What?" she asked, turning around. A gallon of blood suddenly spurted from Byakuya's nose and if he looked down he would have seen it pooling on the floor. But his gaze was transfixed on Hisana's small, but firm, breasts.

"Boobies!" he said, in a trance, and extended a hand towards Hisana, still dripping blood from his nose.

"Byakuya?" she asked, glancing at him warily.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"BYAKUYA!"

Mmmmmm


	5. Sleepwalking

**Ahhh, sorry for the wait... :3 Enjoy!**

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"Hisana…" Byakuya muttered, and sat up from his deep slumber.

"Byakuya?" Hisana sat up in the bed, drawing the sheets around her naked body. Byakuya stood up in all his natural glory and stared walking unsteadily towards the door.

"I'm hungry." He muttered, and continued through the hallway. He muttered nonsense to himself.

"Kuchiki-sama?" a servant asked, and then a loud scream was heard.

"I don't understand?" Byakuya stared at the blushing girl.

"You were naked, you lecher!"

"I was asleep, how is that possible?"

"His eyes _were_ closed the whole time…" Hisana noted, glaring furiously at her husband.

"But you liked what you saw, right?" Byakuya asked, smiling seductively at the servant girl.

SLAP.


	6. Kitten

**Muahahaha! Byakuya is getting his cute dose for the day... Hope you enjoy, R&R :D**

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Byakuya was having a good day. He had just been promoted. And then it happened. He opened the door, eager to have some sex with Hisana, and BAM, there it was. A kitten. Bliss filled him. It had been so long since he had last seen a kitten. This was one was fuzzy and grey and strangely fluffy. He instantly picked it up and started petting it. And then it started purring. Hisana opened the door, and peeked in.

"Byakuya?" she asked, her big eyes looking at him.

"Hisana!" he called gleefully.

"What are you doing?" A little freaked out at seeing him so… excited, she stepped in and closed the shoji screen.

"Petting a kitten… Say, you should purr more often."

GLARE.


	7. Blemish

**Teehee Byakuya's never had to worry about his perfect little face... :3 Well, hope you enjoy, R&R and all that! :3 By the way, since I'm not going to be able to be on very long tomorrow, I'm posting this in advance :3 ... Hope you enjoy!**

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"Hisana!" Byakuya screeched from the bathroom. Hisana groaned and sat up. What did he need now?

"What?" she asked groggily, reluctantly walking over to the doorway to see what the problem was.

"Hisana! I have a pimple!" Byakuya cried loudly, his eyes overflowing with oversized tears. Hisana stared at the miniscule red dot on Byakuya's face, right above his left eyebrow.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hisana burst out laughing, slapping the doorway and struggling to keep herself standing.

"It's not funny! This is my first pimple!" Byakuya whined pitifully.

Hisana just started rolling on the floor and laughing. She held her stomach as tears streaming down her face. Byakuya glared furiously at his wife.

Dammit.


	8. Yaoi 1

Byakuya's eyes were glued firmly to the manga in his hands, which was held very close to his face as he stared intensely at the images before him. His face turned beet red as he slowly turned the page.

"Byakuya?" Hisana asked, coming into the room without knocking. Byakuya leapt off the couch and hid the book inside his Haori.

"H-H-Hisana…?" Byakuya stuttered, struggling to conceal his deep blush.

"What are you doing?" Hisana asked suspiciously,

"N-Nothing…"

"Give it to me!" Hisana growled, and boldly put her hand inside his haori with a glare. She opened it to the marked page that Byakuya was on and turned very red instantaneously.

"YOU PERVERT! YOUR MARRIED!" Hisana shouted angrily.

"It's not like that!" Byakuya denied.

"Why are you reading Gay Porn?" she asked coldly, her chilly glare tearing apart his defenses.

"Hisana-" SLAP. Byakuya winced as she hit him very hard with his own yaoi manga and then stormed off.

"But it's yaoi…" Byakuya mumbled.

Dammit.


	9. Shopping!

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while! Anyways, enjoy! R&R =]**

**Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, nothing here is mine!  
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"Byakuya, you're coming shopping with me." Hisana glared at him, mentally swearing getting revenge for the yaoi incident. Byakuya nodded miserably, his head hung.

"Forgive me?"

"No." she glared, dragging him to the Shopping district. While Hisana wandered off and began shopping, Byakuya sulked around behind her.

"Excuse me, miss." Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"I'm not a she! I'm a he." He glared. The girl blushed and nodded, and retreated into a store. Byakuya boredly followed her. As he got inside, his eyes lit up.

Meanwhile, Hisana was getting tired of shopping so she looked around for Byakuya. After a few random stores, she walked into a Pajama shop and was instantly attacked.

"HISANA! Get me these pink and white Hawaiian-floral pajama shorts! I want them! I want em I want em I want em!" he jumped up and down in pure glee.

What the hell?


	10. Crushing Byakuya's Dreams 1

**Two in one night - hope you enjoy! R&R... Also, ideas from you guys are valued =] Oh, and would you like to see more in this series? Should I make it a three part, or no? Feedback? Oh, and I do plan on updating this regularly again  
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**Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo**

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"Hisana!"

"What now?" she asked, glaring.

"I'm going to be in a band!" Byakuya declared, thrusting his hips out. Hisana glanced up at him and nearly had a heart attack. His hair was spiked up, his clothes were all black-leather, and he was wearing silver-spike-studded combat boots.

"WHAT are you wearing?" she gasped.

"My band outfit." He said determinedly.

"And what would you do in a band?" she asked pointedy, glaring at him slightly.

"Sing." He grinned.

"Okay then, sing for me.

_30 Minutes later…_

Hisana wacked Byakuya one last time for good measure. "We will never speak of this again." She hissed, leaving in a rush to tend to her bleeding ears.

Byakuya sat there, dazed. His own ears were still bleeding from the horrific singing.

"Maybe I'll try guitar…" he muttered.

"NO!" Hisana screamed back at him.

Damn.


	11. Condoms Part 1

**Warning: This one has absolutely no sexual content other than what your own perverted minds come up with. I'm not responsible for mental images.**

**Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo =] R&R!**

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"WHY ARE YOU PUTTING CONDOMS ON?" Hisana screamed at him.

Wait, let's backtrack a bit.

Hisana was having a perfectly normal [and sane… And relatively quiet, considering her marital status] day, when she heard a weird sound. It sounded like… plastic. Being unwrapped. Or unrolled. Suspicious, she reluctantly opened up shoji to Byakuya's room. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw him opening a condom. Slowly, he placed it on an… object she refused to look at. She watched it slowly be rolled down to cover the object almost entirely.

Byakuya trailed his finger up and down the... object, staring at it intently. Then his hand disappeared beneath his legs. Suddenly it seemed to split open and a white… material she refused to identify oozed out of it. Unable to take it any longer, she charged into the room, her face extremely red.

"What the hell are you doing?" Byakuya jumped and looked at her guiltily.

"Putting condoms on a banana…"


End file.
